My oh my...

Tomorrow I give my first (heavily revised but collected) draft of my thesis to my chair. Can you believe that? I have a table of contents and everything! I've been working on it so much I've almost forgotten to breathe. Thankfully, Levi pulls me out.

I'm hoping to defend the first week of January. I don't know if that is possible, but I'd like it to be. I went to my friend's defense this week and left inspired. I'm excited for the conversation about books and my work. Perhaps my thesis is not quite publishable as a book (yet) but I like to believe it's getting there.

Otherwise--Levi and I finished Huck Finn this week. Despite my English focus in life, I've never read it before. Highly enjoyable. Such an interesting and engaging voice especially when considered as a "cultural commentary" (a phrase a guy in workshop uses often enough to make me think about it). Of course I wondered about his mom, and Tom's mom, and what you do when you have completely different ideas of what "right" is. How do you figure out which to follow? How do you support each other and still uphold your beliefs? How, perhaps this is the important question, do you determine which beliefs are most important to uphold?

(Also this week: a friend from a few years ago in the Colony married a girl that I failed in class. Yes, it's true. The girl never actually attended my class and despite my multiple (kind) e-mails telling her to come or withdraw, I never saw her in person. When we received the announcement I knew she was familiar; we didn't attend the reception in case she put my name with the glaring E on her transcript. (Not something I'd like to be reminded of on my wedding day...). Congratulations to them, though. This thought gives me some comfort at not teaching next semester--at least I won't have to fail anyone! But I will miss my students, especially those from this semester, terribly.)

Another question on truth: I'm writing a series of shorts that evoke the family stories I've heard my entire life. They are not necessarily factual, but I think they connect with the mythical resonance I feel about them. They're imagined but not fiction. Is this ethical?

Happy Five Months!

Five months ago, this little guy was less than half his current body weight. And now he responds to his name, sits up, rolls over, and eats from a spoon!

If he wasn't blowing bubbles at me I might not believe it.

My Sister Rocks

My sister has been coming down to "visit" me during the last few weeks; actually she and her baby play with Levi while I work on my thesis. Levi and his cousin are only 5 weeks apart--lucky them!

A Difficult Decision

We're having our family picture taken tomorrow and I can't decide if Levi should just wear jeans or if he should do overalls. Help?

One Reason I Wake Up (Cheerfully) Every Day

I'm not teaching next semester for various reasons; I'm heartbroken. I feel like I'm leaving something sacred before I fully understand its holiness and potential.

Yesterday as I looked at my students slumped over their computers, wishing the day, the semester, their time in college was over I teared up and had to turn back to the whiteboard and pretend that everything is fine and that I don't care and I won't miss it. But I will.

I have to remind myself that this is the perfect note to end on. I love my students; this class is almost dreamy, and I've been teaching my own invention. Gratifyingly, it has gone very very well.

I would do a few things differently: I would start with a small essay that I don't grade. Then we would work on the analysis and spend far less time on it (three weeks, max). Then we would have library days and the ruminative essay--before they're burnt out and before they can cop out of the short essay. Give them the big one while they still have energy left. The last major assignment, before the portfolio, would be the short essay--then they can have fun and incorporate more research and have a little better grasp on the essay itself. Why do I harp on these things?

Not teaching is better for my family (which is why I'm doing it) and my sanity (which is an added bonus). I want to believe I can do everything, but it seems my limitations close in daily. Plus, if my health continues in the direction it has been, I don't know that I'll be doing much at all. Maybe relaxing (okay, I'll still have two classes, the reading series, and my thesis defense--plus real life: Wesley, Levi, and moving to wherever we go to grad school--pray for Boston and MIT friends!) isn't a good idea in that context.

Can you get an immunization for hyper-emotionality?

If anyone asks, I'm fine. Thanks.

Some Appreciation and Hope

"The root meaning of the word family is household, a gathering of people who take shelter together. No matter how troubled our households, we're going to keep on taking shelter together becuase we need one another..." Scott Russell Sanders, Hunting for Hope

This is not a normal post. Hunting for Hope is lovely, a balm of Gilead, though.

For the last seven weeks, my ward has been bringing dinner to a woman in our ward. Every night. Two more weeks to go. She crushed a joint in her foot, is on a walker, and needs extra help right now. Since I'm the compassionate service leader I've had the chance to talk with her often, coordinate meals, and bring meals when things fall through. On top of this, we've had other emergencies, surgeries, crises. On average, my Relief Society has brought in three meals a night to someone in the last two weeks, given rides, babysat, and zillions of other unseen, unreported, loving acts. I cringe a little every time I need to call another person to ask for more service--but no one hesitates. They say, "I'll make it work" and "Thank you for this opportunity" and I'm humbled wondering if I have such faith and gratitude and cheerfulness. Too often I feel overwhelmed by lists and urgencies, but they show me that love and compassion is just part of living. They teach me what it is to be followers of Christ, to be family, to shelter together even when there is so much smoke in the cave you can't see each other, even when our own problems reek, even when we just need a little air--we're family.