Back in the Swing

It seems like seven years since I've actually made dinner, or breathed, or really savored the chance I have to sit down at our sweet little table at night with my husband and son and revel in my gratitude for them.

Last night I was back to inventing recipes.

Levi gobbled up corn bread crumbles while Wesley and I enjoyed the beautiful flowers he brought home Wednesday (I'm spoiled).

And then, we cleaned up, sang songs, and bundled into bed. (After I won a game of Monopoly).

Life is very, very good.

Thesis Defense: Passed!

We shared a lively two hour conversation.

I flubbered all over my words--but did okay.

I repeated myself too much--but did okay.

I didn't anticipate the intense focus on my short pieces--but did okay.

And when it was all over, I came home, tired, to people I love.

I need snacks. Or recipes.

I'm trying to find healthy snack food. Any ideas?

You're Invited

“I learned the power of language to map a life, to overcome distance,to focus attention on what matters most” (Sanders 161).

“The words hardly ever lived up to what I remembered or imagined, but every now and again they did, for a line or two, and those rare successes kept me trying” (Sanders 282).

Scott Russell Sanders, A Private History of Awe

Levi has been balancing on his hands and knees then rocking back and forth back and forth. But he has to wait until Thursday. Why?

Well, I'm defending my thesis on Wednesday from noon to two. That's why. Hurray!

If you have any practice questions, please share. Hopefully I can articulate myself clearly.

A few joyful notes (!!!)

On Friday University of Texas at Austin contacted us: accepted! Whoohoo! They will provide at least $24k a year, plus $500 moving expenses, and they nominated Wesley to receive $30k/year. Wow! Austin's cost of living is 30% less than here (which is pretty astounding) most of that in housing. They're flying Wesley out at the end of February to peruse the school and professors. We haven't made any final decisions--I didn't anticipate hearing from any school until March!--but we're happy. Texas is in the top ten and we fell good about it. Phew. And again, phew!

Also this week, Joni Tevis came to BYU. I coordinated her visit and I think (hope!) it went well. We had a large crowd at her reading (almost 200) and I spent three days gleaning from her strategies. She earned an MFA with a double thesis--one in poetry the other essay--and then a Ph.D. in poetry while finishing her book The Wet Collection. She's great. We had a busy busy few days--Wesley and Levi came a long for much of it--but wonderful. It's neat to meet someone whose writing you really admire. I worried that I would feel as I have in the past--and not like her writing as much after our meeting, but I like it more because I've seen how she works. She's given me the belief that I can keep writing. Plus: her book pushed my thesis forward. Thank you Joni! Look for her work, it's lovely.

Here I admit that I've been pondering the positive predicament of being a woman writer--particularly a mother writer...it takes some coordination. One of my awesome male professors encouraged us all to write daily. I wanted to say, "Hey! I've been writing every day for over a decade. I can testify to this, but will you tell me how to make the small moments I have now most effective, I'm a mom!" I'm learning. Let me know if you have ideas, though. Oh! The organization of time.

January Family Letter

(In case you didn't see this...)

January 2010

Happy New Year!

It’s been an exciting year at the Cole home. We’ve grown from two to three—parenting, while it reminds me daily of my inadequacies and fallibilities, is the best. We are honored to have Levi in our lives. I often look at him and think, “We really made him?” How can mere humans make such miracles?

The first half of the year blurs together for me now. We schooled, worked, anticipated our baby. We ate a lot of ice cream. (That’s our year-round sport). Our landlord decided to upgrade our apartment by replacing the kitchen floor on my due date. Our baby was very accommodating; I went into medium labor for a few days, then had to be induced—but, behold!, on June 11 Joseph Levi Cole entered our world officially, and quietly. (So quietly that he spent a few hours in the NICU to make sure his lungs were okay; we should have told them, “He’s just a Cole.”)

While waiting for Levi, we passed the time by working, schooling, and helping to type in handwritten-scanned census records, a great way to be productive without really thinking. This inevitably led to my addiction to the new family search system. We’re in progress of taking about fifty family names to the temple: most of these are siblings to those in our direct line—it’s been an exciting and rewarding experience.

Other than his parents, the most familiar and consistent thing in Levi’s life is his car seat. We spent the summer driving to family gatherings, reunions, and other joyous, slightly tiring, occasions. Our reliable 1999 Taurus finally passed away in the middle of Oregon as we drove home from Wesley’s sister’s wedding. Thankfully, his grandparents were not far behind us in their RV—so our six week old baby did not die in the hundred degree weather! Hurray! We tried to revive the periwinkle spacecraft, but alas, the Taurus’s life ended and we invested in Winston, our 2004 Chevy Classic which gets 33 mpg. We are grateful for Winston.

Wesley has been quietly and consistently conquering. He continued working with Dr. Thomas Fletcher, leading a research team that studies and models wildland fire (basically—it’s more complex than that). He presented at three conferences in 2009: one at BYU, one in Michigan, and one in California. He’s working on submitting two papers for review and publication. I’m very proud of him. Wesley has also participated in two intramural Frisbee teams and a doubles tennis team. He loved both. Wes also arranged his schedule so I could finish up my MFA. Watching him with Levi is my favorite thing to do. They adore each other; Levi lights up and jabbers whenever Wes walks into the room. My greatest hope is that Levi takes after his good, good dad.

I love motherhood. I love it so much I’m almost excited to finish school. Even waking up during the night has its perks: my little boy wants to see me. On the side, I just finished teaching my last class of freshmen at BYU; I loved my students, I hope they learned something (or, I hope I didn’t ruin their lives). A few of my essays and poems have been published, which is gratifying (maybe I’m not wasting time pretending my scribbles have purpose after all!. One night, while a little brain fried, we discovered that Googling “Cassie Keller Cole” brings up real results—which makes us laugh). All the family focus eventually spilled over into my thesis, which is a collection of essays thematically linked by family, belonging, and home. I plan on defending it in a few weeks. I’ve really enjoyed revising and seeing the collection come together.

At almost seven months, Levi is frustrated that he can’t take over the world and crawl. He swims on the floor, but coordinating his arms and legs challenges him. We’re hoping he waits until I defend my thesis—after that, he can do whatever he wants! He babbles nonstop (we’re now moving beyond cooing to “blahblahblah” and “gagaga” sounds…I’m afraid he’s mimicking his mother!). He sings with the congregation at church, sings with the radio, sings, sings, sings. He loves music. He also loves the yoga ball, carrots, applesauce, and rolling. One of his new joys is reading. Levi devours books—literally and figuratively—they are some of his favorite toys. He loves tasting his new existence. Wesley and I are delighted by our sweet boy.

Wesley and I just began our last semester at BYU. Who knows what the end of April will bring? For the last few months, Wesley has been applying to graduate schools. Hopefully we’ll find out in mid-February where he’s accepted. He’s applying for internships for the between-school times—so there’s a lot ahead of us!

Overall, we live in awe. We feel abundantly blessed and humbled by our many friends, gifts, and responsibilities. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of our lives.

Love,

Wesley, Cassie, and Joseph Levi Cole

Cassie’s favorite books of the year:

The Wet Collection by Joni Tevis

Gilead and Home by Marilynne Robinson

Backyard Alchemy by Lance Larsen

Look forward to Quotidiana by Patrick Madden

Our family pictures are courtesy of Candice McWhorter. Definitely look her up at capturethephoto.blogspot.com.

Dear Friend,

It's been five weeks since I've written anything on this blog--but I want you to know that I'm blogging often in my head as I walk home from school, wash dishes, shower. Why do people (I) feel the compulsion to share my personal thoughts with a possible void in hopes of finding you? Perhaps it has something to do with finding human connectedness despite and through our technological distances. Perhaps it is a way to reach out to others when life and culture accelerate with time. Perhaps I just need conversation--or at least its semblance.

I realized, while writing the eighth draft of my critical introduction, that I write for a sense of intimacy with my reader. I write to continue discussion. Maybe this is not a good reason to write, but it is one of my motivations. I think it begins at my quixotic belief that communicating will bring people together to achieve something great and ultimately huge. Yes, I still believe that somehow I'll change the world.

Let me be a bit honest about the things that I can't stop thinking about--but wish I could. 2010 is a year to learn to let go of worry, but I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not teaching this semester because I've been sick and we can't figure out what is going on. I don't trust doctors anyway (a detriment. I think they're great people--but who can ever really understand an individual body!). So I go, we talk about migraines, we talk about nausea, dizziness, fatigue. He says--"Maybe you should increase your salt?" And so I do. The ultimate conclusion was that I have low blood pressure...so, uh, stand up slowly. That's nice. But it doesn't explain why I fall over and can't stand or sit for long before feeling my body scream. Nothing explains why I'm so nauseous. (I've lost almost 15 pounds in a month and a half. This is over Christmas break--I wasn't eating modestly.) None of this would really bother me except I need to take care of Levi. My body feeds his, and he's hungry. This week we started supplementing with formula. I know a lot of women do this. I have nothing against formula, but I don't want to use it. I want to provide for him, but I can't. In so many ways, I feel like my body is failing me. We've had such a good relationship for so long--I've obsessed about its strength and care--and for right now that is not enough. So, I'm learning to handle that and not complain. I'm learning to be grateful for my motion as Levi learns about his own. Perhaps this is a way for me to slow down and savor existence a bit more.

In the last few weeks, I've decided to be grateful for this though. Weakness makes me appreciate the strength I have.

So: thank you fingers for typing and scrawling so much. Thank you hands for carrying my son. Thank you hips for balancing my weight and shifting so eagerly. Thank you stomach for doing your best and then some, especially when you don't want to. Thank you, dear body, for pushing onward and resisting my complaints, for proving (surprisingly) that you can function. For acting in public like nothing is wrong.