Baby Joule

 

Yesterday Levi touched my belly while I crunched on the yoga ball. He rubbed back and forth, “Hi, Baby Joule! I touch Baby Joule!” He’s quite the proud big brother. Lincoln does his part by chanting “BABY!” and searching them out. Baby Joule, as you heard, is fifteen weeks along and due on October 22. We (I) assume he’s a boy until proven otherwise; we’ll find out in the beginning of June and keep you posted. When we had the ultrasound (at eight weeks) he just danced away. Dr. Loar raised her eyebrows at me, “This isn’t common!” I wanted to invite her over to see Levi and Lincoln. Joule will fit in well. This fetus name is for the science side of our life. And it makes sense to call our baby after a measurement of energy. So, welcome Baby Joule! 

Happy birthday to my dad this week! Every now and then I see an expression cross the boys’ faces that I recognize from my dad and it just tickles me. Is there a genetics of mannerisms even when you live far apart? I’ve always been grateful for Dad’s determination, diligence, and drive, but I don’t think I really appreciated anything until I started parenting. Thanks for being my dad!

Much of this week blurs together. We caught the flu—except Lincoln, amazingly. Wes still went to school but we all know that was silly. I came to pick him up and hurled all over the parking lot (poor guy who drove up right next to us as it happened! And many thanks to the ticketer who skipped our unpermitted park and didn’t even flinch at my sound effects!). The combination of not eating/pregnancy and the flu just doubled everything up. By Tuesday morning I wondered how the boys and I would make it. Thankfully, Wes is ever prepared and worthy to give blessings. He and our friend gave me a blessing and since then we’ve all steadily improved. A few days later I opened my Primary manual: the lesson this week is on Christ’s power to heal and the reality of the Priesthood. I don’t think any of this was a coincidence. My 14 class members all gaped at me as I told the story today.

Wes recovered, but it took a while to catch up on sleep. Shocking. He came home early with flowers and food and patience. We’re all very spoiled.

Lincoln bounds around and babbles. He climbs chairs and tables. As a result, all the kitchen chairs line blank walls. He says nose, slow, blanket, dog, book, no!, cup, milk, among other things. I asked for a kiss one morning, he grinned, shook his head and said, “Nooo…” all soft and silly.

Feeling better yesterday, we spent our wholesome recreational activity wandering downtown Austin. We rode a blue bus (their favorite part), walked by a saxophone/electric guitar/drums band grooving next to a giant chess set, stopped at Jamba Juice (Lincoln ate most of the apple strudel thing and carrot-orange smoothie), enjoyed the Faulk library with real computers for little kids, and then walked back to the bus. Levi trooped the whole way and loved it. He pointed at all the beards, buses, motorcycles, and joys of being out and about. This morning he continued praying in gratitude for the buses.

We’ve decided to take the Lehi in the wilderness route for our Colorado excursion. We’re putting everything in storage here and taking only the essentials: boys, clothes, a frying pan, etc. The rest we’ll patch together from Craigslist when we get there. This way we’ll save on the truck and gas, we can all ride together, and we don’t have to unpack and haul stuff quite as much. I’ve been laughing about leaving all my “precious things” as I look at my boxes and boxes of books—and I’ve only packed a shelf and a half! We feel a little crazy, but confident, about this choice. It adds a little tang to our adventure.

Here’s a thought Christine said to add: somewhere during conference someone (one of the Seventy?) said something about Sariah and Lehi succeeded as parents. Obviously. But then I thought about how well they succeeded because generations hundreds of years after them continued to seek to be an eternal family. Their hearts were turned to each other. They yearned to share the covenants. The people living the gospel in the Book of Mormon never forgot or forsake their brothers and they always thought of them as “brothers” and “sisters.” That kind of commitment to each other and to the Lord is major, major success. I’m sure Lehi and Sariah had days that they wondered how to respond to the choices of their children, but they pressed on with the Spirit.

I started the Book of Mormon again this week and thought about the Labans in my life. Sometimes we have Labans in our lives. Those things that annoy us, block progression, anger us, etc., but are difficult or awkward to completely destroy. They hinder us spiritually, but often we (I) don’t’ know exactly how to proceed, or the potential consequences seem too much, or the action we’re prompted to do goes against what we initially expected and believed. So I hesitate and question. Bless Nephi for going forward anyway. He used the good to eliminate the bad, he took the power (the right to the records, the family history, Laban’s sword), and learned from the trial to grow individually but also to improve his relationships (with brothers, with Zoram, etc.), and bless generations. My question now is what do I do with the Labans in my life and how do I recognize and utilize what I should take from the experience to bless others? I’m still thinking on this. Weird that it has taken me 25 years to recognize how symbolic Laban is. Good grief.

Much love to you!

Expanding Cole Crew

A "motorcycle"

Red Velvet Cake! (Okay, no caption needed here)

My life is totally awesome. He said, "MOOORE!" after this.

One of the few pictures where he's not stuffing rocks or unsuspecting bugs in his mouth...

Happy Anniversary Chad and Christine! I’m so glad that you’re married. I’m particularly grateful for your second child (although I really, really love them all). I found a picture of you standing at the Logan temple somewhere near the time you were married and Levi exclaimed, “Gram! Pop!” The good things just get better.

On our way home from church (which was a longer event today due to choir before and a scout thing after) we heard, “Eeehhh…” slosh. And Wes: “I think that was barf.” Poor distressed Levi gushed and panicked about his white shirt and blue tie. He recovered enough to say, “I need Coke! With a red straw!” I thought about Rosey and what a hero she’s been with three boys doing this for over a month, little-to-no sleep, plus everything else in life—throw in a few emergencies to boot. Levi’s bug strangely filled us with gratitude for the examples of patience and perseverance in our family, for the perfect timing (on our way home and not very far from it!), for the sweet personality he has, and for the compassion these brothers share as Lincoln tries to stroke Levi and says, “Uh-oh! Uh-oh!”

Earlier this week, I walk out of my room to see a bare body proudly displayed on the upstairs window. Levi stripped all of his clothes off, climbed on the extra bed into the window, and peered happily out. What happened to the days when he refused to pull his shirt up due to modesty? I said something about protecting our bodies and keeping them safe, etc. etc. And he grins at me, “No want privacy! SHOW body!” Well world, enjoy the show.

Lincoln keeps me dashing around. He clambers up onto chairs, tables, and I know one day I’ll find him on the fridge. Levi taught him how to properly climb off the chair. Hallelujah for that! The first few times he plopped right on his face and cried not out of pain (although it must have hurt) but because it ticked him off. He tipped a chair over while in it and bashed against a window. I promise I watch my kids (perhaps too hovery even); he’s just so fast! Thankfully he discovered the joys of hide and seek and that can distract him from almost anything. He has locked me in closets and rooms all week, laughed, then started yelling, “MOM! MOM!” as if he has no idea where I am.

They give high fives, mostly to each other. They find the bread pans, use them as shoes, and ski across the floor. Lincoln helped me tuck in sheets and put pillows on the bed: Levi melted down because that’s his job. We’re learning to share the best things in life. They began playing with the pirate ship and castle people in earnest this week and it’s adorable. Who knew that pirates walking up stairs could be so awesome? We went to a park with bouncy motorcycles. It is now the “Motorcycle Park” with one toy for “Linc and one for Levi!” We also listened to Henry and Ribsy driving around. They’re into fish and fishing now.  And dogs, but that’s not new.

The big news of the week: We’re officially moving to Colorado! We found out on Thursday. We’ll leave here the 15^th, hopefully have a place lined up to dump into, load back up and spend a week-ish in Utah/Idaho before Diana and Kelly hitch up. There’s the plan. It’ll probably change.

Wesley is excited to learn more about programming, work with new people, and escape Texas heat. I’m excited to not chase scorpions around, to dig through all of our stuff and cleanout as we pack, and to begin a new journey. It’s a comfort to know when you’re doing the right thing.

In the meantime, Wesley is completely swamped. He worked for about eleven hours yesterday grading tests, preparing for presentations, and basically figuring things out so he won’t drown in the upcoming week (not that he ever seems stressed or even unpleasant. Bless him!). He’s tired; he totally rocks my socks. Especially since he walks in the door beat and then plays rounds of entertaining and creative basketball with the boys. His preliminary research proposal defense is on May 3 (it’s the defense of his dissertation idea), so he’s also been doing that. Go Wes!

Yesterday I hosted a baby shower for my friend. My little sister’s response, “Do you even know what a party is? Are you sure you can do that?” Thankfully, someone else took over decorations. Since parties are obviously not my strong point, the whole event was pretty low-key, but we did have some awesome red velvet cake, almond chocolate chip brownies, a fruit tray, and a vegetable tray. I think she enjoyed it. That was the main goal. Success!

I’ve been thinking all week, in many contexts, how humility requires courage. I’ve been thinking about the Savior’s courage and humility in saying, “Not my will, but Thine,” and meaning it with his entire being. I want to let go of my silly things and be able to do this too. A scripture that has always inspired me, but is more poignant in this context is Helaman 3:35: “Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.”

We started keeping little notebooks to record our promptings in—as suggested multiple times by many apostles, particularly Elder Scott. We’re trying to talk about them during our scripture study. We’ve tried this before. We’re determined to do better this time. Any ideas?

Things I should just keep to myself

 Our week, in short. 

They did laugh as soon as I showed them these pictures, though!

I’m off. I failed in pretty much everything that matters this week. No excuses either. I simply flopped. Thankfully repentance is real and I’m getting better.

I have nightmares. You know this. I try not to talk about it since it really doesn’t matter; sometimes I need to scribble it out and pretend that I haven’t completely lost it. I’ve had nightmares since childhood. The last decade has been particularly fun. Some weeks are better than others. This was a very bad week. Usually I can articulate “what happened” in a nightmare, though not always since I switch narrative position and blend those perspectives. At one moment I’m a character, another I’m myself watching, then myself participating, or the narrator (omniscient or otherwise), or the director, or another witness or actor. Basically, when I wake up I’m more exhausted than when I went to bed, my heart and head race in a way that it takes me at least a half hour to bring myself together, and the feeling lingers. Haunts, really. I’ve mostly learned to shake it off by morning and move on. Occasionally I can’t despite best efforts and prayers; I feel the dream following me, I can almost smell it like a vaguely familiar body odor staring over my shoulder. It leaves me edgy and foggy and feeling foolish for allowing something I don’t control to have such a strong impact on me and my family. I rarely dream about people or places or situations that I know or anything connected to what’s currently happening or what I’ve been thinking about. A few people in my life have become symbolic appearances—strange since my interaction with them is completely zero. I struggle wanting to go to sleep—even when I shake I’m so tired—because I know waking up will just be worse.

I assume I should learn from this; if not a specific nightmare or series of nightmares, then at least having them. It should give me greater compassion. It will help me when my kids have nightmares. What else? I realized this week that this is probably an opportunity to understand more about the atonement when dealing with a small and insignificant (while largely effective) issue. I also realized that I need to study up on the cognitive process of nightmaring—which I dread, but will do.

At least I haven’t had a drowning dream for a while. Count that as a gift.  Nightmares also enable me to count sleepless children as a gift since they save me by waking me up.

Sorry, I just needed to get that out. I blame my “overactive imagination” yet I wonder if I just lack self control. Bothersome.

Before I go on to meaningful moments of the week, I read The Night Circus. Overall, a wonderful novel. Imaginative, magical, thought provoking. Generally well written (I mostly turned off my inner editor; a few dialogue moments stick out awkwardly). I appreciated that while the plot kept a fast pace, the author never wavered in her lovely descriptions. She allowed the reader to savor the details of the circus rather than rushing through the plot. What impressed me most was the creativity of the circus and how she showed it from so many angles. The use of second person also added depth and curiosity to the whole. Using Widget as the hidden narrator also allowed for beautiful meta-reflection on the purpose of stories and the need for us to share them. It also enables you to see different aspects of the characters, feel their stories and maintain mystery and possibility for each (even if I wanted more characterization, I ultimately concluded that stylistically it works). Each chapter remains self contained while blending smoothly into the next (tricky to maneuver!). Reading this, I thought about art and distraction. People like “escapist” books; that’s fine. I don’t want to read them in most cases and I really don’t want to write them. I don’t want to distract. How can art enchant, edify, and improve rather than distract? Of course, a lot of the reaction is centralized in the audience. Again, I need to employ more self control. I thought more about the book and its workings than I should have and accepted the distraction. But why? How do I keep myself from soaking in the distraction and utilizing the ideas to benefit others/my surroundings/etc.? In short, I need to hone in my brain boundaries.

The book made me think about the instinctive attraction people have to stories about magic. I think it is because we all sense a stronger power than we generally access or realize. It is a desire for the reality of the Priesthood. Do I express gratitude and utilize that power daily? Do I focus on it throughout my moments and recognize what it can do? Not enough. I’ll be studying more of President Packer and the Priesthood in general in the next little while. We don’t think about how amazing it is because it is such a normal part of our lives. Yet this is the “magic”—the true authority from God!—that people crave.

Okay. Enough of my silly self-absorption. Hope you skimmed that.

UT is becoming a smoke free campus by next February so that they don't lose millions of dollars in cancer research funding. A difficult shift to swing, but they’re doing it. Impressive.

Wesley interviews with NREL (the national lab in Golden, Colorado) tomorrow at 10 a.m. We’re excited. He spent part of yesterday preparing by going over C++ stuff. If we’re supposed to go, we will. If not, we’re excited to find out what comes next!

Tool trucks, a backhoe, a dump truck, and a cement truck graced us this week by redoing sidewalks on our road. Bless them. Exponentially. The boys loved watching them. We stood across the street every day and jabbered on and on about breaking the old up, dumping it in the dump truck, and pouring cement. I knelt on the sidewalk to talk to them and Lincoln backed up, sat down, pointing and saying, “Oooohhh! Aaaaah! Truck! Truck! Oooooooohhhhh!” Levi explained to me that they’re improving the sidewalks so that our daily walks around the subdivision will be better.

I apologized to Levi for my impatience. He held my hand, kissed it, and said, “It okay. We be okay, Mom.” This made my week. Wes taught him to eat corn on the cob. He loved it! He devoured every kernel plus some.

Lincoln grunted and growled all the way to church today. He seemed to really enjoy himself. Distressed Levi started screaming that he must “STOP NOW!” which increased Lincoln’s joy and volume. Lincoln is quite the tease. He watches Levi line his stuff up (from trucks, to erasers, to balls, to dishes), then he slinks in, takes something, makes sure Levi sees, and runs off.  I try not to laugh. I don’t fully blame him since Levi decides that he “needs” whatever happens to be in Lincoln’s hands—even when he’s not teasing! Lincoln can pick up a dusty lint ball from the laundry garbage and Levi suddenly must have it. Sharing. Turns. Respect. These things start young.

After reading President Eyring’s priesthood session talk, “Families Under Covenant,” we’ve been talking about how we discipline. Do we invite the Spirit in the ways we discipline? Do we discipline by and with the Spirit? Do we invite the Spirit to guide our discipline? Helpful questions to ponder; they kept us floating.

Cole Crew

Happy Easter! We’ve tried to figure out appropriate traditions for the last few years. We want this day to be a full day of celebration for our family. This has brought an interesting discussion: how do you create an atmosphere of celebration and rejoicing? What does that mean? What do you do? Today we had a mini-sing-along with the boys and some favorite Easter hymns. We read an account of the resurrection. We used cutouts and pictures to tell the Easter story to the boys. Levi repeated things like “tomb” and “Mary” and “soldiers.” He’s been working on “resurrect” all week—but it’s a tricky word. Lincoln surprised us earlier this week by folding his arms. He also recognizes pictures of Christ. He points excitedly and says, “Tsus!” From the way he gestures and babbles, and definitely from the look on his face, I think he remembers things that he cannot communicate at this time.

We invited some friends over for dinner. No one should be alone as we celebrate the reality that we can all be together as children of Heavenly Father. Hopefully it will taste okay!

Last week I forgot to mention a few things about Wesley’s NSF. Over ten thousand applicants applied. Two thousand are awarded. Of those, only seventy are chemical engineers this year. Wesley is one of seventy in a pool of ten thousand. That’s quite the honor! The funding will probably begin in September. We’re hoping to hear whether or not Colorado is going to happen at the end of this week or early next—but who knows? We don’t really feel antsy about it. We’ve felt that we need to move, that we’re going on to something different, for a while—but that doesn’t necessarily mean Colorado. We’re ready for whatever comes. And happy about it.

Wesley spent the week trying to get over his sickness. He still coughs so hard it hurts his back. Amazingly enough, the rest of us press along okay. On Wednesday and Thursday, Wesley attended an Austin electricty conference. I don’t know details. Good panels and discussion on where to go from here and debate on what the real issues and focus of energy policy should be.

Meanwhile, the boys and I partied. Book group means extra cream pies. Then—to kick off national poetry month we did what you probably did (okay—what you meant to do, I’m sure): we wrote poems all over our driveway and sidewalk to wish all passersby a happy life in poetry. Quite a few people have stopped and puzzled over it. Fewer adults. Perhaps they suspect that some crazy person watches them through the windows… I’ve been searching for family-friendly, not too late poetry events in the area, but have been unsuccessful. I’ll have to satisfy myself by reading poetry to them as they bathe. Poetry edifies. You should read some. Oh. And my exciting news of life is that one of my favorite literary journals, Fourth Genre, is publishing one of my favorite pieces. So hurrah. Official dream fulfilled. It’ll come out in February. They sent me one of the nicest e-mails I’ve ever received. I think I’ll put it on the fridge just for personal validation. (See Zits comic here: “Will you validate me?” “You’re a good person!” as the teen hugs the middle-aged balding man in an orthodontics office. “I meant my car…”)

We also mowed the lawn in a few segments. I was trying to lighten Wesley’s load. Alas—it takes me four days to do what takes him an hour and he still has to clean up my mess! Granted, Lincoln was strapped in the stroller, Levi hovered by the door, it had just rained, and I haven’t mowed the lawn for over six years. I’m simultaneously embarrassed and proud of myself. We washed the car afterwards which inspired them to eat the hose and love the water in all its forms. They even scrubbed a little. The car may or may not look better.

Levi and Lincoln crack me up. Usually Levi whines about using the potty unless someone stands there and directs his every action. One day he rushed to the potty without any prompting. After I finished congratulating myself on victorious transfer of independence I hear, “Uh-oh. Pee on wall. LOTS PEE ON WALL!” When he says, “LOTS” he means the size of a stop sign with the Indian Ocean sloshing into the rug and around the potty. He decided that he wanted to urinate standing up like he does in the men’s bathroom. Except he didn’t lift the seat. And he’s not tall enough. I’m still laughing about this. Our poor garbage men will never get rid of the stench I’m afraid.

After watching me spray paint, Levi likes to play that in the bathtub. He covers his face and Lincoln’s face with a rag “mask” and they pretend to spray everything down. Levi swings between extremes. He told Wes he’d like Lincoln to fall and roll down the stairs then break his head. Lincoln is perfectly willing. I fear the future. Levi came down the stairs saying that he “No want share with Linc,” then pulled his chair right next to him for snack time and said, “Need real close. Want be fri-h-h-h-heeds (friends) with Linc!” They run around together being birds, sharing bikes, and “running fast!” Levi has decided that they need to dance. They randomly embrace each other tightly and rock back and forth humming. This is all well and good until Lincoln has this panicked maybe I’m not breathing look on his face and we call it quits.

Lincoln and Chad must be on the same wave-length because he found an enormous red beetle (you know the kind that grow out of grubs), stuck it in his mouth, but thankfully spit it out disgusted. I think he believed it was a rock. He loves rocks. He clung to his Easter eggs very happily this morning. Give him something for each hand and he feels like a grown man. Sometimes he looks at me like he’s ready to move out. I’m not ready for that yet. I need him to help me lighten up again! He rocks in his booster seat until the chair almost falls. Forget the lightening up; I might have a heart attack.  His current favorite book is Farm Babies. He makes all the animal noises and when we get to the baby at the end he says, “BAY-bee. BAY-bee.” Then I melt all over. He climbed right on Wesley’s lap and read stories for 15 minutes one night—generally he’s too busy for this. So darling. When we reorganized drawers and shifted out too-small clothes, I had to grip the fact that Lincoln is in clothes Levi wore when Lincoln was born. This may not be a big deal to you. My boys grow all the time and it takes total cleanout for me to realize that!

We pulled out the kiddie pool because our air conditioner is now working overtime for summer. Swimming is basically exaltation. Come over. We’ll share.

Check out the “He Is Risen” video at BibleVideos.org. Well done.

Three boys and a happy girl

What a week! Our washer officially died Monday. We hoped it would miraculously resurrect. Alas. The laundry just piled and stank and Lincoln seemed to overflow more than he ever has. On everything. On Wednesday we called on a few Craigslist washer/dryer combos (since the washer/dryer here belongs to the house and the owner doesn’t care about them, and since we’ll need them eventually) and one guy said, “I’ll deliver them to you right now.” So within an hour, he was here. Hurray! I didn’t know I loved laundry. Especially clean laundry. This also gave me the delightful opportunity of scrubbing under the washer and dryer. Again I determined that we’ll never do liquid laundry soap. The chances of it spilling and molding and gunking under there are just too high. Yuck. Spotless now!

While we were exchanging things, the moving bug bit me. We packed up some of the kids books that the boys haven’t grown into (hence: ripped pages), packed up some clothes they’ve grown out of (Lincoln is almost wearing clothes that Levi wore when Lincoln was born! Ahhh!), and I sold the boys’ dresser and gave away the way-too-large car/landscape table. Space: I love it.

Since January, Wesley has been sick more often than in the entire time I’ve known him (I think). On Thursday he succumbed again. That night he shivered (yes he shivered!) and fevered and coughed. He’s perking up a little bit now, but he’s still tired and glazed. We’re thankful he could take it easy the last three days. Poor guy. Amazingly enough, the rest of us are tired, but otherwise unaffected. We pray that we can keep this up. I’d really like to help some people (without infecting them) before we leave.

If we leave, that is. The likelihood is still on Colorado for the summer. NREL decided to make it an official position. Wes applied on Thursday (when his mind was super clear! Ha!). This means that they’d pay him. It also means that someone else could get the position even though they made it for him. We’ll see. If we stay in Austin or go somewhere else, we still have a lot of work to do. Wesley’s research is doing well and he could accomplish some great stuff over the summer. Yet, it never hurts to expand connections and experience. We wouldn’t mind escaping Texas heat, but—then we could fully appreciate our tomatoes! Good all around.

In other good news: Wesley received the National Science Foundation graduate research fellowship grant! You know, the one we’ve applied for multiple times? This year, we have it! Aside from the honor, this allows him larger flexibility in his research, $9k more a year (but our benefits will be cut, so we’ll figure that out), and three years of representing NSF. Go Wesley! And thanks to all those who helped us learn and grow and refine the application along the way. His energy matrix goes forth!

We’re loving Conference. Levi holds the Ensign up to the speakers and matches them. He’s a little upset that not all of the Seventy are speaking. Ha! Lincoln sings along with the choir pieces in long “LAaaaaa! LAaaaa!”s. We love our prophets and are grateful that the gospel is restored. I love watching our little boy-oes feel the Spirit and gain a love for the prophets as well.

A few boy notes: Levi climbed the “BIG BIG SLIDE” all by himself yesterday. Huge steps for all of us. He’s acquiring freckles and has been strangely kissey. I’ll take it. Lincoln climbs. He turned on the stove. He rocks in the chairs. He swung over the couch—and survived as he always seems to do. I’m excited for the day when we are semi-near grass that they can play in without major damage (scorpions, fire ants, thistles, etc.—the lovely impacts of past droughts on clay). We also discovered our first caterpillars and snails of the season. Levi backed away nervously. Lincoln tried to pick them up with his mouth.

Happy April!