On Nightmares

Dear MMK,

As you know, I get sick when the seasons change. The usual. As you also know, when I'm sick I nightmare even worse than usual. "Doozey" is too light, "train wreck" is not quite physical enough, descriptors desert me for last week. Weeks like that make me never want to sleep again (why try when you wake up more tired, eh?). Weeks like that make me grateful to have a boy who will wake me up at all hours of the night and help me escape the vulnerability and reality of nightmares.

I won't give you details--I don't want to think about them anymore--I've been in that weird between space with them for too long already. I'm never fully certain about reality: the mare I ride at night or the dream I float at day?

Anyway. One of them included CHH. Bless him, wherever he is. Whenever he makes an appearance (thankfully not often) my first thought at waking up is, "I"m so glad I married Wesley Cole instead of anyone else!" Following his walk-through last week, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wondered how things would have been different if CHH and I had remained as inseparable as we were for two years. I wondered if I would have Levi. I wondered if I ever would have had the chance to go to school--or if he would have. I wondered about my testimony and the testimony of my kids. While I think we would have tried to "make it work" I don't think we would be very happy. Did we know that then? Of course not. Young, inexperienced, short-sighted, passionate--how could we know? And all the while my future husband watched; crazy, don't you think?

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes it's okay to wait for experience. Sometimes it's okay to test the waters and test the separation. Sometimes you don't know who is watching you: your husband, your angels, your past.

We can't always control our nightmares, but we have quite a bit of influence on our daydreams.

Happy Sabbath to You

 Levi is a busy boy. 

 He enjoys the sunshine. 

 And standing. 

 And taking off his tie with Dad. 

But sometimes, he just lays down the law: 

"Mom, I love church, but I need some food and a nap. Right now."

And we agree. 

James Galvin

You should read The Meadow.

It is now one of my favorite books.

Carrot Cake

Blend:

3/4 c. pureed peaches

1/4 c. oil

1 c. white sugar

1 c. brown sugar

3 eggs

Mix in:

3/4 tsp. salt

2 tsp. cinnamon

sprinkle nutmeg

2 tsp. soda

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

2 tsp. vanilla

3 c. grated carrots

2 1/2 c. flour

nuts as desired

coconut as desired

crushed pineapple (drained) as desired

Bake in 2 round pans or a 9 x 13 at 350 degrees for about 43 minutes (depending on oven and elevation.)

I made this for Wesley's birthday and, amazingly enough, it was great. We didn't do coconut or crushed pineapple because he's not into that, but you might be!

Nonfiction

"Shall I confess a truth?"

I'm tired of it. I feel self-indulgent, boring, and not very literary. I hate the desire to theorize and defend everything I do and my aim has always been much more than telling stories. So if I never write another essay again, I think I'll be just fine.

I told PM that I haven't "lost confidence" as he suggested but that I don't care anymore. He kind of panicked (am I apostatizing from the sacred genre! Please--no more genre!) and said, "We need to talk." No thanks. That sounds too much like an awkward DTR. Too many people have asked if we're married already--I don't need to define any genre or relationship with him for a long long time.

This is not to say

that I don't like essays

or poetry

or writing

or that I think I've totally wasted the last lifetime

but that there are people and things that are much more important and I'm tired of the emotional roller coaster I am about writing. I can't stop, but I think I can stop caring.

Longhorns! (Do we need passports?)

After almost two months of discussion, tons of research, and even more prayer we've decided to go to University of Texas at Austin starting in the fall. Wes will probably do work in process control or biomass engineering. Last night we went to the temple (together! Bless our neighbor for sitting in our house while Levi slept!) and realized we've been asking a less accurate (wrong?) question. It's not where but what. Our first priority is serving God and building His kingdom. We can do that anywhere. And since we feel that He doesn't have a specific place we need to be for the next five or so years, as long as we remain focused on our covenants and serving, He'll help us become/do what we need to. The next what question is Wesley's research. Since he'll be living that for a while (his entire career) doing something he's passionate about is vital. Texas has more options and more areas he loves (although he's already missing the trees and seasons of the East). We're happy about this choice.

And I don't mind 70 degree Februaries.