I had the marvelous revelation this week that I have been living with outdated expectations; it is time to readjust my direction! I’ve entered the stage of life where my “life goals” become a little vague because I didn’t know what might happen: never, ever would I have imagined this life as a young woman—even seven years ago would not have captured our daily rumpus. I am so grateful and humbled to have my eyes opened. It will take me a while to process and articulate this direction, yet I feel so much less frustrated with things like constantly rumpled curtains or the ever unfolded/not-put-away laundry. We’re a circus, complete with lions and trapeze artists, but we’re growing together with the right priorities. Sometimes I’ve wondered if God will allow people (me) to dive into complete insanity through doing the right thing. I’ve concluded that craziness will probably ensue, but that as long as I’m holding tight to His will that He will not let me drown. How will I learn to swim if I’m afraid of touching the waves? How will I ever gain strength if I am not required to use all my might and then rely even more on Him?

I cried a lot this week. Every time Levi got out of the van and entered school I had to pull myself together. Then he came home and I cried some more. Kindergarten is kind of kicking my butt. I’d rather go through labor. Today in the temple I thought about how the Lord deals with me and my imperfections and saw how encouraging He is. How He cheers me on when I make even slight improvement. How He recognizes all the influences and struggles (inner and outer) to a situation. How patient He is with me even when I’m bawling, not listening, and flailing around. How He never uses His “mean voice” even when I need firm correction. Levi has made so much progress. Levi prays daily for strength to choose the right. He acknowledges his “off” days and that it can be really hard to follow the rules all the time, to obey, to hear. Yet he asks his brothers to pray for him, he asks us for reminders. And he truly has a pure heart and expansive mind. He can run forever. He encourages others. He wants to learn and improve. He’s been studying shoelaces and tying knots all on his own. Talk about self-motivation! Plus he’s full of darling phrases such as, “I could really use your help with…” I described a little of the Star Wars storyline—so we’ve transformed into Jedi knights with light sabers. “Who am I again, Mom? Oh yes, Luke. Luke Skywalker. Do we know any Skywalkers?”

Lincoln told me that he goes to school at our home and that’s all he needs. He has been more willing during preschool time, so hurrah! He drew letters in salt with his fingers, which was super cute. He wore his suspenders most of the week because he’s a fireman. Thank you neighbor Dan for wearing suspenders and inspiring this boy! We went to the free evening at the children’s museum (right after school before Wes came home); they had a fire truck inside with fake hoses and little outfits for the kids. Awesome! We drove by a street that Wes, Levi, and I walked down when we came here for a writing conference 5ish years ago; Lincoln informed Levi that since Levi was a baby he can’t remember the moment, but “I remember that because I watched from heaven.” He and Keller knocked down three batches of folded clothes. When Lincoln saw how sad I felt he ran back to the room to clean them up.

Keller talkstalkstalks. The boys watched a “Wallace and Gromit” episode. Levi often exclaims, “What’s going to happen!?!” Keller, with all the anxiety he could muster, kept squealing, “Happen! Happen!” When the story-time lady asked him what color of paper mitten he wanted, he pointed and proudly said, “Yellow.” My favorite is how much he says “Levi” and “Lincoln.” He says “Nis!” occasionally—generally she is “Baby! Ohhh…HI Baby! HI!” We checked out more potty books at the library. He studied them diligently all week on his own. On Friday he pulled his diaper off, peed in the potty, then came out with his “TURTLES” underpants. If he’s still interested maybe we’ll pursue it more seriously. (Ah, potty training, it makes us all talk even more about poop. Great for a thanksgiving conversation. We’re attempting to civilize ourselves for guests. It didn’t happen with the sister missionaries this week—aside from the three seconds they used fire as a visual aid—so who knows if we will ever be domesticated?) He also lives in the hat we bought last week. Even after pulling apart one of the tassels. He won’t eat breakfast but he wants “crackers,” “COOOKIES!,” and “cheese” all day. And then he jumps. Jumpsjumpsjumps. All day. Usually with  a ball. He climbs on the table and jumps. He jumps at the top and bottom of slides. He jumps on my toes. He clambers into Venice’s crib and pack-n-play to jump. He’s so scraped up, and still, “Watch! Wait! JUMP!”

Venice will not eat if she is tired or angry or if she wants to talk. She likes knowing food is available, though. We had a few totally off days with naps—and she showed us how much she can scream. Thankfully that is not normal. She started cracking up. Nissy can laugh so hard she squeaks. She loves splashing in the tub, nursery rhymes (especially “The Grand Old Duke of York”), and kisses. She loves music: already she dances and jives. She loves books, even the ones about dragons, monsters, and weird superheroes, although she prefers the ones with animals. And after being cramped in her seat, she loves to stretch, sigh, and babble. Bless this little girl who sleeps most of the night and smiles at us. Levi decided he’s only going to refer to her as “Veni.” Forgive me for not wanting this to catch on!

Wes worked away as usual. He’s currently enjoying football highlights. He played soccer with the boys at a park while I was in the temple; I returned to four happy, happy men. He’s such a good daddy.  When I put pureed squash in smoothies or meatloaf or whatever else, he always makes supportive comments. What a trooper. I adore him.

And that’s enough from us! 

 Pictures of the blessing gown before she grows out of it!

 Underpants!

 Brothers walking to the park

We planned on blessing Nissy today, but changed our minds. My parents have been trying to come down for it, but due to heart complications travelling is not a good idea. Since it has been this long, we may just wait and bless her during Christmas break up there. Wes would like to do it in our ward to show we’re invested, yet we also want the people who care and would like to be involved to be able to come. We’re grateful to be loved!

Yesterday Levi took the CogAt test. It is required for GT placement; all 2^nd graders in the district do it during school—but if you think your child is “gifted” or could use extra guidance on teaching them, they recommend this test. Technically the test is 2.5 hours, but it is a bubble sheet assessment and if anyone needs to stop (potty, etc.) everyone stops. It ended up being about 3.5 hours in a middle school we’ve never seen with a bunch of unfamiliar people. We prepped him with the reasons we were doing it, gave him some of the practice tests (which he whipped through and then asked for more), but we didn’t really think about the physical circumstances that could raise anxiety levels—aside from the fact that they gave them fat booklets in labeled white envelopes to go with their red bubble answer sheet! He was fine once they went into classroom mode, but while I could be with him he fought (understandable) panic. From his report, it sounds as if he enjoyed the process. Results will be mailed to us in January. Thank you for your prayers!

In other Levi news: his sweet friend Xander missed school one day. Levi decided he wanted to see what it was like to not follow the rules. He only came home with one SOAR buck instead of his usual twelve or so this week. He lost some play time. He’s still processing over the experience. His teacher was extremely surprised. Poor Mrs. Games! I went to our first parent-teacher conference and was glad to hear an overall positive report, including, “You realize this is way beyond kindergarten, right?” He’s sounding out words, reading well, and his ability to conceptualize numbers is way out there. She thinks if anyone needs full day kindergarten it is him because he’s so invested and focused. For the last few days—even with his test!—he spent hours at a time churning through his workbooks. We’ve had to stop him and take the book so he’ll do other things! We’re impressed.

Lincoln is my official kitchen helper. He chopped a ton of carrots for dinner one day (under close supervision). He loves to help and he loves knives. Yesterday while Wes mowed the lawn, Lincoln used the toy mower and worked diligently.  He recognizes letters on signs and in books. He counted to 65 while we were driving. At the park he swings by himself. He climbs everything—rocks, poles, fences, bleachers. But he doesn’t want to talk to people. We went to our friends’ home and he explored everything. When he realized that the little boy felt nervous about our intrusion, Lincoln tried to include him and help him feel happy. Go Lincoln! I still have no idea how to help him in nursery during the lesson. He gets this endearing twinkle in his eye and I know it is all over. From throwing pictures to hitting objects in the lesson to just running and climbing and leading the troupe of eight boys. I’m going to do Montessori pre-school stuff at home and we’re looking for other kid/adult outlets for Lincoln to learn in.

The plan is to start potty training Keller starting tomorrow. We’ve been doing a practice run this week. Some days are better than others; he’s not sure if he really wants to commit (perhaps because I’m not sure if I want to, either!) He’s super excited about his TMNT underpants, so we’ll see what happens. He loves Venice; part of him wants to know why he’s not the baby, though. He wants the “baby wrap” (swaddle). He rolled out of his swaddle during the night and cried and cried and cried. He’s up most nights two or three times. Maybe he and Levi can keep each other company soon! Keller’s language continues to grow—even with his impatience. He wants us to understand and respond without the bother of words sometimes. If we don’t, man! This boy can throw a tantrum: in the middle of the road, head banging, shrieking, etc. It’s actually quite impressive. He’s a tease and full of energy. I’m glad that he and Lincoln can wrestle out their aggression with giggles. He also surprised me by counting to ten with me. And climbing ladders. Whoa! The boy is almost two going on seven.

Venice is our respite for sleep. We’ve been sick, but we still can’t figure out why we haven’t bounced back fully since she sleeps so well at night! And she’s so cute. She blows bubbles to the boys’ delight. And super sensitive. (A fourth one! Poor Wes!) She can scream when upset or just when her feelings are hurt—thankfully, she tends to be pretty tolerant of loving brothers with all their exuberant awkwardness. We all hold on to her little smiles. Today she wore a darling red floofy outfit, complete with ruffled bloomers. Both of us really appreciated the ensemble. She’s totally into tights. Thank goodness! The cold is coming any day!

For FHE we met Wes at a park to eat dinner. We finished birthday shopping for Keller then went to Coldstone. Each boy chose their own kind of ice cream and one mix-in then ordered it with pride. One of our revelations from Conference is the need to use our family history as family scripture—so our family spotlight is significantly more deliberate now. We’re trying to help our boys see their heritage of faith and choosing the right. We also spent a few evenings watching the “Lego Movie.” We’re all singing “Everything Is Awesome!” What a funny hodgepodge; I believe that’s termed “modernist.”

I had the opportunity to visit with some of my friends that I really admire as mothers, teachers, and just good people this week. They’re creative and inspiring. Watching their patience and kindness and open minds/hearts helped me see that I have a lot of needed improvement. Then I listened to Uchtdorf’s talk, “Lord, Is It I?” I have been so critical and rude. Time to grow up! Time to change! I’m so grateful for the many examples that surround me. Learn to chill out, girl!

Wesley worked on some new projects this week. He continues to love work. Unfortunately he caught his fourth round of sickness. We’re glad that none of them have been too bad, but he hasn’t been 100% for over a month. He went to the temple yesterday morning then came home to watch Keller and Lincoln while I was with Levi and baby Nissy at the test. Bless this good, good man!

 Maxwell Falls hike

Venice and I stayed home from church today because I have pinkeye and a cold. On Monday, Keller and Lincoln woke up with it, but by Thursday I thought that we’d finished it off and somehow Wes, Nissy, and I had escaped. Thursday night brought on lots of awake time between the kids and ample time to clean out my nasty eyes. We hoped they’d clear up by today, but my body seems to be the slowest to recover; granted it’s doing a great job and I’m quite impressed that I’m only mildly sick and still able to care for our family. Wesley hasn’t felt 100% for almost three weeks, but he has not completely succumbed to anything. Hurrah for our miraculous mortality!

As a result of our germs, we’ve tried to avoid interacting with the outside world. We picked up my new glasses and went to two parks on Thursday when I thought we were no longer contagious. Sorry, world.

We’ve had a few incidents this week that have helped me reflect on how protected we are. Last Sunday while I tried to maneuver the van out of the tight one-way parking lot, I scratched the front driver’s side corner of someone’s shiny new(ish) truck with the middle passenger door of our van. Our van has a tiny scratch you can’t see through the dirt. The truck didn’t get out so well. Lincoln: “Mom! We just had a car wreck! Why did we hit their truck?” (It was his door that hit, I don’t blame him for curiosity or concern…) This story is still in progress. Then! On Wednesday I was backing out of our driveway to share our grape juice with sick friends. I looked behind me six times. The mail truck was parked across the road. Crunch. The mail carrier was making arm motions like, “What the heck?” and the mail truck was actually parked right in front of our driveway. Coupled with Sunday’s incident, lack of sleep, and my emotional self—I totally lost it. The poor woman told me that the mail truck couldn’t be hurt and that it is “a piece of [crap] anyway” as she gave me a hug. Bless her. Nothing scratched. No one hurt. Lincoln: “Why do you keep hitting people’s trucks?” Good question. I didn’t answer sufficiently because I was gasping for air in my hysterical response. I’m pretty sure our fireman neighbor witnessed the whole thing. I hope he laughed because it is comical. We tried not to drive for the rest of the week.

During this, we received Venice’s hospital bill. There has been a mix-up with the insurance and records. Thankfully, Blue Cross Blue Shield has been extremely helpful in figuring it out. Bless them!

As I pulled myself together midweek I remembered (understatement: the Spirit reminded me) President Uchtdorf’s talk on gratitude. We are to be grateful “in whatever circumstances we are in” and not just grateful for things. While I am extremely grateful for our safety, protection, near invincible vehicle, strong bodies, kind neighbors and mail carriers and insurance providers and insurance employees, I realized that the Plan of Happiness, my covenants, our wonderful little family fill me with deeper, eternal gratitude. Even with swollen mucus eyes and stupid mistakes, I have a lot of joy—a kind of joy that isn’t going to go away. What a blessing to see this.

Yesterday we hiked on the Maxwell Falls trail. It is a true mountain trail: boulders, roots, huge trees. We saw bright yellow aspens, felt a variety of evergreen needles, and rejoiced in the beauty of the earth. Levi and Lincoln climbed an enormous rock. Keller almost burst with happiness as he scrambled up and down on the trail rocks, counted dogs, pointed out water. Venice snuggled in her wrap and slept peacefully. While we didn’t make it to the falls, we had a wonderful time and heard some entertaining comments about our “very large family” all out on the trail. We kind of flabbergast people. Who knew that we would testify of family and its importance in God’s plan just by going on hikes or running errands?

Levi’s class has a “morning meeting” each day where they talk, do some breathing exercises, and just prepare for the day. His teacher pulls out a few kids’ names to have a turn talking. Monday she pulled out Levi’s name. He told them all about pinkeye. His friends ran away faster in tag that day than usual! Ha! As he went to bed on Friday he sighed, “Oh, I’m so excited for Monday to find out who the new Superkid is!” (Superkids is a reading program they use. I like it so far. Each Superkid teaches them about a letter and its primary sound.) We are all so excited to see him after school and he’s ready to cool down. He has learned the purpose of “I don’t really want to talk right now”—it has helped us all chill out. He has blossomed into a social little creature. He wants to talk to everyone. As a result, Keller wants to as well. Everywhere we go they shout out, “Hi! How are you?” and then fill in anyone who pauses with myriad information: names, ninja turtles, favorite animals, pinkeye, etc. A sweet older gentleman sat down at the pharmacy with us on Friday. He gave each boy a shiny new penny and talked away with them. He was totally awesome.

Lincoln cracks me up. I finished Levi’s GT application this week. As I reflected on the “15 Traits of Giftedness” that Levi has, I looked at Lincoln’s as well. This chart has been extremely helpful to me in re-contexting some of the stuff we deal with everyday. Our kids are from completely different spheres, but all are so gifted—with all that comes with it. Lincoln tells me amazing stories all day long—especially as I have folded laundry and disinfected everything a billion times this week. He tells me the origin of his Lego creations, what he’ll do when he grows up, the many “fires” he put out that day, what he does when he’s a monster, etc. He determined that he will stop saying, “I will kill you!” because it’s mean, but he can say, “I will kill you—bad guy!” Lincoln wanted to sit by me while I read a story during the day. Keller wanted to sit there also. Lincoln invited Keller to sit on his lap. Problem solved. Did I mention he ran most of the way back to our van on the hike? In boots.

Keller wants to tell us more than he currently can. He’s so expressive. Unfortunately, the understanding gap frustrates him. He threw an impressive tantrum in the middle of our road (quiet cul-de-sac, few cars during the day) for ten minutes. He knows how to kick, roll, and scream. He also knows how to jabber. When he heard the fridge grumble during lunch, he widened his eyes in mock-fear then whispered, “MONSTER! HIDE!” So hilarious. He runs to Venice, “HI!” then he tells her about the things she’s touching—particularly if she swipes him. Then he squeals like, “You got me!” His new way to love her is to lay his head on her tummy while she’s in her bouncy seat. Then they coo at each other. He read her Smile, Pout-Pout Fish! this morning.

We made some rattles for Venice, opened up the baby toys, and thoroughly enjoyed her wakefulness this week. Her hair sticks up everywhere. She smiles and talks. “MOM! She just said ‘hi!’ to me!” She loves to lay on the floor and wiggle. She loves the warmth of cuddling, but sometimes she just needs some space—which is just fine for all of us. Most nights she only wakes up twice. We’re all enthralled with her.

Wesley attended a local AIChE meeting and talked with some great people on Tuesday. He connected more with another post-doc from NREL. He learned more about hydro-fracking. Good experience. He was able to go to ward temple night on Thursday. We love having a temple so close! Work progresses well. Wesley progresses even more. We all erupt when he comes home. We are so happy to have him around so often these days.

Let’s just start at the beginning! So much for artful organization. I don’t even know how to do that anymore!

Monday: Since it was an assessment day for the school district, Levi did not have school. This correlated nicely with a free day at the Natural History Museum. We only skimmed part of the space section and dinosaur bones. There are four levels, a “discovery zone” for kids, a huge spot for preschool projects and story times, mummies, a planetarium, IMAX theater (currently featuring stuff on D-Day), and so much more. The current obsession is eagles. I think this came about since Levi’s school mascot is an eagle (hence, they SOAR by being safe, on task, and respectful). The boys spent 15 minutes in front of the panorama of golden eagles and another 10 in front of the bald eagles. After a few minutes Lincoln noticed the rabbit in between the talons of an eagle. “Is that rabbit already dead? Did the eagle kill the rabbit?” Then he started crying, which was really cute. “But! But! I really like rabbits! Sometimes I am a rabbit! I’m going to kill that eagle!” This was the point when we decided to go somewhere else in the museum. That night he tearfully reported about the rabbit to Wes and also his revenge plan.

Levi has discovered nicknames. I told him we used to call him “the Levster” and he thought I said the “Love Monster”—either works!

Levi wanted to bear his testimony last week but we didn’t have time or substantial preparation to ensure a positive experience. For FHE we had a family testimony meeting. We shared a very tender Spirit. Levi told us that he knows that Jesus loves us and that the scriptures are true. Keller stood on the chair (pretend pulpit) and smiled at us. All of our kids are such powerful people. We glimpsed them in a bit more of an eternal perspective.

Wesley hosted a professor that his group is collaborating with on Monday. He went to work early and stayed late. Now the two sides understand each other more; the work is exciting and moving forward. Hurrah!

Tuesday: Lincoln, Keller, and I picked some concord grapes from our back yard. Eight cups of grapes ended up being a tad over two cups of juice. Still fun. That night I attended my first PTA meeting. It is comprised of a lot of different people; I’m excited to help the school and learn more about this community. I was able to talk to X-sander’s mom some more, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I rushed home to host book group which is always fun and interesting. So many fascinating people and ideas in the world!

Wednesday: Venice went eight hours between feedings! Whoa! Everyone slept in to fight off colds. We fought colds all week. Levi coughed but acted fine—so he went to school. Each day was something he just couldn’t miss. “I have to be there! We’re doing bus safety today!” It was chilly and overcast in the morning, but we met friends at the park anyway. Of course the boys found the little stream that is a blast in the summer—but cold in 50 degrees! I decided to be a cool mom and let them splash anyway. We warmed up at home with a bath. Keller loves a book called Smile Pout-Pout Fish! It has proved to be the turning point for him. He sits on the couch to read it. He sits on my lap. He brings other books and then stays to read them. YAY! That night I attended a Gifted and Talented meeting. I’m still torn about the whole thing (the name is so weird—who could ever say that any of God’s children is not “gifted” in some way!), but we’ve determined to apply for the program. You have to apply a year in advance, so Levi would start in first grade. After the application he will have to take a three hour test. We’ll see. We’re all churning and learning.

Thursday: Lincoln told me that he was going to eat all of our family. Quite vicious eating, actually. Then he would eat himself. Then he paused thoughtfully, “But how will I eat my face?” We wonder if we should worry about his desire to kill and destroy things, especially considering how compassionate and tender he is as well. Maybe we’ll send him to hunt with Uncle Jared.

Lincoln called out “BYU! BYU!” as we walked home from Levi’s school. Keller copied him exactly. Keller can also make all the sounds from Plants vs. Zombies. He makes an amazing Crazy Dave. Lincoln spells his name to the song “BINGO” then giggles wildly. Nissy smiled for the first time. At Lincoln. Almost all of her smiles have been for him. He talks, she listens and smiles. When we pick Levi up from school he points to all of the kids he knows to tell us their names and what they like. He feels it necessary to spread the word of TMNT. He’s intrigued with a girl’s hair: she wears it in two high ponytails that are braided—the braids reach her bum. The new boy is named Diesel. He ran and ran with Jason. I love this part of the day. He has earned 26 SOAR bucks.

Wes went on visits with the missionaries. Before he left we prayed that he’d be able to find those who were ready to return to church. He did! He met one family that was baptized a year ago. The mom and daughter had to work this week, but the son was able to come. Wonderful experience.

Friday: We’ve all been working on using our words. Times of conflict mean I need to stop, look, and listen. Times of conflict usually land during dinner prep. Dinner is not as important as working things out. We all have to learn how to work things out! Wes and I have taken the stop, look, and listen approach after one of our scripture study sessions. It has enabled us to see much better, to train, to practice what matters. It’s a relief to have the Spirit testify that you’re doing something right.

Saturday: Levi woke screaming because he couldn’t open his eyes. Don’t you love pink eye? They were bright red, sticky, and sunken. After an urgent care visit and a zillion-year pharmacy wait (I’m still repenting about my impatience and frustration and tone when I told them after an hour wait that we were not going to come back on Monday…then the pharmacist looked at Levi and said, “Oh! He really does need this!” I think I growled at him.) we got an uber-antibiotic eye drop that is supposed to clear you from being contagious after one drop. We don’t know if that’s actually possible, but we’re glad to have it. The doctor says we can use it even on Nissy if she gets it. I had an optometrist visit—my doctor turned out to be LDS with two kids on missions and now my backup glasses are ordered. Wes, though sick, mowed the lawn, played with boys, and led the family effort of picking and juicing grapes. I love working together as a family. We even slipped in haircuts before the day ended. Thank goodness for leftovers!

Today I walked with the kids to church while Wes went to pick someone up for church. Wes walked Levi back home, then came back because he’d given me the keys and they couldn’t get in the house! Wes needed to stay home, too, since he’s been fighting the crud all week. The three little ones did pretty well during sacrament meeting thanks to a sweet sister who gave them tiny flashlights to play with and let them examine the gargoyle tattoo on her calf. I prayed all night that we’d be well enough to go to nursery. I just needed to be there. Levi’s eyes are clearing and no one else has it (miraculous!). The kids mostly stayed in their chairs for our lesson. They loved playing “Find the Prophet” (hiding a picture then searching the room for it). I love testifying of living prophets. Heavenly Father continues to guide us! I have no doubt.

 First day of school!

Grandma Venice Buttars with Venice Christine Cole

 Nissy with great-Grandparents Keller

 Labor Day hike at Mayhem Gulch

 Natural History Museum!

 Slightly awkward face fixed with a kiss. Thanks Aunt Angie and Johnny for the darling outfit!

 Project: Grape Juice