Our week, in short.
They did laugh as soon as I showed them these pictures, though!
I’m off. I failed in pretty much everything that
matters this week. No excuses either. I simply flopped. Thankfully repentance
is real and I’m getting better.
I have nightmares. You know this. I try not to talk about it
since it really doesn’t matter; sometimes I need to scribble it out and pretend
that I haven’t completely lost it. I’ve had nightmares since childhood. The
last decade has been particularly fun. Some weeks are better than others. This
was a very bad week. Usually I can articulate “what happened” in a nightmare,
though not always since I switch narrative position and blend those
perspectives. At one moment I’m a character, another I’m myself watching, then
myself participating, or the narrator (omniscient or otherwise), or the
director, or another witness or actor. Basically, when I wake up I’m more
exhausted than when I went to bed, my heart and head race in a way that it
takes me at least a half hour to bring myself together, and the feeling lingers. Haunts, really. I’ve mostly
learned to shake it off by morning and move on. Occasionally I can’t despite
best efforts and prayers; I feel the dream following me, I can almost smell it
like a vaguely familiar body odor staring over my shoulder. It leaves me edgy
and foggy and feeling foolish for allowing something I don’t control to have
such a strong impact on me and my family. I rarely dream about people or places
or situations that I know or anything connected to what’s currently happening
or what I’ve been thinking about. A few people in my life have become symbolic
appearances—strange since my interaction with them is completely zero. I
struggle wanting to go to sleep—even when I shake I’m so tired—because I know
waking up will just be worse.
I assume I should learn from this; if not a specific
nightmare or series of nightmares, then at least having them. It should give me
greater compassion. It will help me when my kids have nightmares. What else? I
realized this week that this is probably an opportunity to understand more
about the atonement when dealing with a small and insignificant (while largely
effective) issue. I also realized that I need to study up on the cognitive
process of nightmaring—which I dread, but will do.
At least I haven’t had a drowning dream for a while. Count
that as a gift. Nightmares also enable
me to count sleepless children as a gift since they save me by waking me up.
Sorry, I just needed to get that out. I blame my “overactive
imagination” yet I wonder if I just lack self control. Bothersome.
Before I go on to meaningful moments of the week, I read The Night Circus. Overall, a wonderful
novel. Imaginative, magical, thought provoking. Generally well written (I
mostly turned off my inner editor; a few dialogue moments stick out awkwardly).
I appreciated that while the plot kept a fast pace, the author never wavered in
her lovely descriptions. She allowed the reader to savor the details of the
circus rather than rushing through the plot. What impressed me most was the
creativity of the circus and how she showed it from so many angles. The use of
second person also added depth and curiosity to the whole. Using Widget as the
hidden narrator also allowed for beautiful meta-reflection on the purpose of
stories and the need for us to share them. It also enables you to see different
aspects of the characters, feel their stories and maintain mystery and
possibility for each (even if I wanted more characterization, I ultimately
concluded that stylistically it works). Each chapter remains self contained
while blending smoothly into the next (tricky to maneuver!). Reading this, I thought
about art and distraction. People like “escapist” books; that’s fine. I don’t want
to read them in most cases and I really don’t want to write them. I don’t want
to distract. How can art enchant, edify, and improve rather than distract? Of
course, a lot of the reaction is centralized in the audience. Again, I need to
employ more self control. I thought more about the book and its workings than I
should have and accepted the distraction. But why? How do I keep myself from soaking
in the distraction and utilizing the ideas to benefit others/my
surroundings/etc.? In short, I need to hone in my brain boundaries.
The book made me think about the instinctive attraction
people have to stories about magic. I think it is because we all sense a
stronger power than we generally access or realize. It is a desire for the
reality of the Priesthood. Do I express gratitude and utilize that power daily?
Do I focus on it throughout my moments and recognize what it can do? Not
enough. I’ll be studying more of President Packer and the Priesthood in general
in the next little while. We don’t think about how amazing it is because it is
such a normal part of our lives. Yet this is the “magic”—the true authority
from God!—that people crave.
Okay. Enough of my silly self-absorption. Hope you skimmed that.
UT is becoming a smoke free campus by next February so that they don't lose millions of dollars in cancer research funding. A
difficult shift to swing, but they’re doing it. Impressive.
Wesley interviews with NREL (the national lab in Golden,
Colorado) tomorrow at 10 a.m. We’re excited. He spent part of yesterday
preparing by going over C++ stuff. If we’re supposed to go, we will. If not, we’re
excited to find out what comes next!
Tool trucks, a backhoe, a dump truck, and a cement truck
graced us this week by redoing sidewalks on our road. Bless them.
Exponentially. The boys loved watching them. We stood across the street every
day and jabbered on and on about breaking the old up, dumping it in the dump
truck, and pouring cement. I knelt on the sidewalk to talk to them and Lincoln
backed up, sat down, pointing and saying, “Oooohhh! Aaaaah! Truck! Truck!
Oooooooohhhhh!” Levi explained to me that they’re improving the sidewalks so
that our daily walks around the subdivision will be better.
I apologized to Levi for my impatience. He held my hand,
kissed it, and said, “It okay. We be okay, Mom.” This made my week. Wes taught
him to eat corn on the cob. He loved it! He devoured every kernel plus some.
Lincoln grunted and growled all the way to church today. He
seemed to really enjoy himself. Distressed Levi started screaming that he must “STOP
NOW!” which increased Lincoln’s joy and volume. Lincoln is quite the tease. He
watches Levi line his stuff up (from trucks, to erasers, to balls, to dishes),
then he slinks in, takes something, makes sure Levi sees, and runs off. I try not to laugh. I don’t fully blame him
since Levi decides that he “needs” whatever happens to be in Lincoln’s hands—even
when he’s not teasing! Lincoln can pick up a dusty lint ball from the laundry
garbage and Levi suddenly must have it. Sharing. Turns. Respect. These things
start young.
After reading President Eyring’s priesthood session talk, “Families
Under Covenant,” we’ve been talking about how we discipline. Do we invite the
Spirit in the ways we discipline? Do we discipline by and with the Spirit? Do
we invite the Spirit to guide our discipline? Helpful questions to ponder; they
kept us floating.
Cole Crew
Lincoln makes me laugh. What a crew.
ReplyDelete