Sometimes I get tired of thinking nonstop about my state of being. Currently: wife- and motherhood. I wonder if people think Will she ever stop talking? We've heard it all before! But off I go anyway on my great fortune, the never ending mutability, and the inevitability of death. People change more than situations. We say we don't want change--moving, new jobs, new friends, etc.--but the reality of it is that most of the time we change and the situation is the same and you (we/I) ask How is it possible that no one else realizes that everything is different? Oh. Just me.
School started this week: class, teaching, thesis. Switch that--thesis, teaching, class...and life, too. I worry I won't have enough students and my pay or my class will be cut. (Few want to take a class from 5-6:30 p.m. even if it is only twice a week and totally awesome). I worry about doing my thesis well. Sure, I can scribble out crap--but I want a lot more than crap. I've determined, as of spiritual experiences yesterday, to write poetry again and (try to) not care about how terrible it is. The whole writing for joy thing. I believe that anyone can write well if they enjoy it; my goal is to teach my students to enjoy inquiry.
Inquiry is a word I spaced until Wednesday night after teaching. I'd been searching for it all week. The essay is a mode of inquiry. They don't get it. Yet.
But then there's real life. Staring at Levi, changing diapers, asking if his hand really does taste better than pretty much anything (sure sounds like it). Editing with the boy on my lap is a near impossibility. Let's face it--writing must go beyond the first draft. Real life this week also includes taking meals to people, lining up meals for others, talking with Wes, homework, exercise, waking up at 4 a.m. most days then accidentally sleeping in until 6 a.m. on others. Real life speeds up and real life is mutability. I think that is part of fortune and death. And inquiry. Add that.
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